i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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