Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
