my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
