Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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