someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
