just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm just crazy horny about you
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
