Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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