How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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