I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
