You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
