worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
