I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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