Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
