not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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