I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
