Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize