Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
