You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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