3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
