Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
either way he was missing a nipple.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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