He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize