Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
