Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
