At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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