"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
