did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize