Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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