He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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