You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
