The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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