You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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