420 ftw
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
