I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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