I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
