Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
FUCK WHALES
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
