do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
