i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Randomize
