i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
