I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
