I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
that may or may not have been my penis.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
