Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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