My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
