I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
