she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
