She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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