I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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