Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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