I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
