Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
