you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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