alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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