watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
