can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
