There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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