you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
