soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
